Dear Farmer

I have failed you. I am ashamed.

Perfection is unattainable, yes -everyone has their flaws- but you are definitely one in a million.

I see it in your eyes. You wonder. Why am I not as strong as you? Why do I break? You have taught me to only show hurt when alone. You have taught me to be strong, if not for myself, for the people around me.

But yet I cannot. I see you question yourself.

Question not, for it is me. For I am weak. I wish too, to be like you. But no. Not yet? I can only hope that it is so.

You have never denied me of anything. You have given me everything, far beyond what is necessary. As long as I ask, it will be waiting. If not today, it'll be there tomorrow.

Have I abused it? Have I asked for too much? I have always tried to exercise prudence, but I am sorry if I have faltered, even once.

I make mistake after mistake, but still you say not but 'Take it easy, life is such.". And my mistakes do not come cheap. They cost, in every possible way.

I told you this morning.

"Take it easy, it can never always be up.".

I am so fucking ashamed of myself I can find no words.

I told you I tried my best. You saw right through that lie, but still you said nothing.

I judged you once. I was idealistic. I now know that life is never black and white. It is a fucking grey mess. I'm sorry. I learnt that then, but I wonder.. How much is there left to learn? Will I ever know it all?

I want to.

I am sorry. Forgive me.

This entry was posted by tsh, on Thursday, June 16, 2005. You can bitch back.